What is this feeling......

Its kind of late, I'm half tired. I feel I have much on my mind but nothing at the same time. Trying to find words to express what all the thoughts. I feel there are questions to be asked but not sure if there are answers. I have want for many things but some of those things are currently unattainable. Not knowing when, where or how sometimes is hard. Wanting so much but so unsure of how to go about getting what it is.
These may be just random thoughts. But maybe to someone they will make sense, maybe to someone it will mean something, maybe someone will relate, maybe someone will help, maybe someone will cry, maybe someone will smile.
Trying to change old habits can be hard. Trying to be better at what you know you need to be better at is a challenge. Having support and help is great. Knowing that no matter what there are people you can count on is amazing. Knowing that you have loving family and friends is helpful, sometime its forgotten but when reminded there is ease. There comes a time when you must grow up, change things, stand on your own two feet and live your life. Trying to do it all is hard, not knowing if you are doing it right, not knowing if this is how things are supposed to be done. Even the small bit of doing this can be difficult.
Lately I've wanted to be better. Better not just at one thing but many, I want to improve on so many levels. I want to be a better person, a better family member, friend, girlfriend, musician, student to start. I want to grow and learn. I want to experience things I've never experienced before. I want to live life to the fullest, I want to know what love is. I want to know what true happiness is. I want to learn to love.
I want to be a better musician, i want to be a better trumpet player. I want to be the best I can be. I want to learn so much more. I've been trying to practice at least 3 hours a day. I want to learn all styles. The other day I went to a music store and bought a book to help me with jazz. The next day I met up with a friend who shared music with me and helped me. I felt that this was just the beginning of what I need to learn about Jazz. Talking with my friend was a big help. I realize it is going to be a ton of work to become a great jazz player, or just a "player" in general, but my goal is to be great a whatever I do. I want to do whatever I can. One of the things I really wanted to do was be in the big band at school when i first started going there, but those hopes were kind of shot down in ways. But recently i have really been wanting that again, and i feel that I need to do it. And if I dont make it at some point then being that one group was just not meant to be, maybe there is a different group I'm meant to be in, But until the day when I can no longer do anything or grow in anyway that will put me into that group, I will try to make it there.
I want to change the way people see me as a trumpet player/musician. I want people to take me seriously. I want people to see that i want this, and that I am going to do whatever I have to do to make it to the top. I'm tired of being a girl who plays trumpet, I want to be a trumpet player who happens to be a girl.
My goals are to stay focused, to not be lazy, to be all that I can, give all I can give, do my best, hope for the best. It is going to take time to make all this happen but there is no time like the present to start.